what if
by kristy87
Summary: He's haunting her mind...tonight she'll make a descission. Sequel to by the time I figured it out GSR


disclaimer: I own nothing ...sadly :(

Summary: Sequel to **"by the time I figured it out"** ! The thoughts of him are haunting her...this time she makes a decission.

AN: Short story :) already have the idea for the next part of the story. I hope you enjoy reading :)

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**What if**

She leaned against the doorframe, wanting nothing more than entering her apartment, than washing herself clean from the touch of this jerk.

"I really enjoyed this evening.", he whispered softly.

She faked a smile. _And I would enjoy scratching out your eyes._

"Will we, repeat this…soon?"

_I don't think so._ "I'll call you." She wanted to turn around to enter, but he held her.

"What about a goodnight kiss?"

"Listen…I tried to stay polite but…", _Calm down Sidle!_ She took a deep breath. "…I…I don't think that this thing between us can lead any further."

"Oh."

"I'm sorry."

"What is it that you don't like on me? I can change Sara, …I'll do everything."

"You're not the right one."

"How can you know? We only know each other for two weeks."

"I know because…"…_I already know who is the right one. Damn it Sara! I can't believe I thought of him again! Damn it!_

She made a long pause.

"…okay, I get it. Bye.", he turned around and left.

_Damn it!_ , she leaned back against the door again, closing her eyes. _Why do I always have to think of him? Why do I still think of him? _

She sighed. Now turning around, opening the door and entering her apartment.

She sat down on the sofa, taking off her shoes. She wondered what she could do now…she wasn't in the mood for a shower anymore…all she wanted was to find something else to think about. _Even if he was the right one for you Sara…you weren't the right one for him._

For a second she thought about watching TV, but then she decided that reading was a better option. Rummaging through some of her magazines, her attention was caught by thelatest issue of 'New Forensics'. She flicked through a couple of pages until she was hooked by an article about entomological evidence.

She had just finished reading it, when the author's name literally jumped into her eyes.

_Gil Grissom._

_Great! Seems as if I can never escape him._ She knew she should have closed the magazine, should have thrown it away, should have pretended that she didn't read this article. But she couldn't. Her finger softly rubbed over his name…over and over again, making tiny circles.

And her thoughts circled around him. The expression in his face when she had told him that she'd marry Nick was haunting her. He had faked a smile, had pretended to be happy…but he hadn't been. And she had known it. She had known that the man she had actually loved, did not want her to marry Nick. But she _had_ married Nick. She didn't know why…she could try to think about it over and over again…she had never been really in love with Nick. It was just that…she had needed to be loved. And Grissom wouldn't ever show her his feelings. She had given up hope when it came to him.

But she could deny it as often as she wanted to…deep inside of her she knew that she had never given up hope. She had never given up the hope that, one day, she'd spot him somewhere in the crowd, that he'd might be in the same hotel, that he might be in the same restaurant…that one day he might simply show up at her door.

How often had she seen him in her dreams…standing there, a rose in his hand, entering her apartment…saying nothing, simply reaching out for her, caressing her cheek…then softly dragging her face closer to his and kissing her passionately. And when she woke up she cursed herself for being this naïve. _As if this would ever happen._

She had told herself that she had to forget him, that she needed to get over him…but on the other hand she had told herself that she couldn't simply get over the only man she had ever truly loved.

Her eyes wandered over the pages of the article again. She wondered why she hadn't noticed that it was written by him before…now when she read it for the second time it was all so obviously him.

But soon the words of the article faded away in her mind and memories of her time in Vegas stole her attention.

She would never forget that he had been there for her when she had needed him the most. After her suspension she had felt lost, alone, weak…she had never felt this weak before. And then he had been there. He had been holding her hand, had listened to her…he had been there. But then she reminded herself that just a couple of days later he had asked Sophia out for dinner. She had felt as if he had stabbed her heart. She had never felt such a pain before.

It was weird. On the one hand this man had the power to make her feel safe, happy…on the other hand he could hurt her so easily.

_What could ever give him so much power over me? So much power that I still can't move on after all these years? That I still can't think of anybody else but him?_

_Nick had known what I felt for Grissom. But he married me…because he loved me. I couldn't love him…I could never love someone else but Grissom…he didn't bother. He knew it. But one day Nick must have realized, that for him only giving and never taking wasn't enough. It wouldn't work for anybody. It was my mistake…I should never have started something with him…I knew I would hurt him in the end._

She put the magazine back on the desk, standing up and walking over to her bedroom.

She opened her closet, reaching up for a small box. She sat down on her bed and opened it.

She took out a small white card. She opened it…

_From Grissom_

She sighed. Remembering when she had tried to leave for the first time. _What if I would have managed to leave back then? Where would I be? Could I be happy? Could I…love someone who's loving me the way that I love him? _

She placed the card on her bed. The next thing she took out of the box was a framed butterfly. He had given it to her as a birthday present. The soft smile on her lips faded soon when she remembered herself of the fact that he had left without really telling anyone.

_If we, or I, ever meant something to him then he wouldn't have left from now to then. He…would have said something!_

She felt tears rising up in her eyes. _What if he would have been different? Or if he would have changed with time? Two things never changed…the fact that I loved him…and the fact that he couldn't requite this love._

_What if he has changed now? People can always change…he once said that we never stop changing. What if he changed…and what if he's maybe thinking of me…maybe I still mean something to him. But what if he has forgotten my name…what if he has forgotten everything that ever happened between us…or what I thought happened between us?_

"There's only one way to find out.", she told herself.

She grabbed her phone, walked back to the living room, searched for the article in the magazine and the part where they mentioned where he was working. Finding out where he lived or finding out his telephone number would be much too difficult, but she had the chance to find the university he was working for…maybe somebody there could help her.

_Tomorrow I'll call this university! Maybe…maybe he still…maybe he still thinks of me._

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**THE END**

**I hoped you liked this...withthe idea for the 3rd part already in my mind it wasn't easy to write this second part...I hope I did an acceptable job on this. :)**


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